woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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