Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
