The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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