ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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