He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I deserve this hangover.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
