Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it's like iHOP with fire
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
