A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
