Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
