Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
