I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
