she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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