Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
