I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
