Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my being single is dangerous.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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