I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
