my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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