I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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