I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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