you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my sisters under your porch take her home
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
