Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
