how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
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I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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