it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
