8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
