upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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