How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
