She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
