worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
