my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
