i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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