She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
