did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
