I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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