just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
