my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
