last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
