At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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