You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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