ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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