i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
