just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
