I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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