I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
