where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
