Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
