dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
