how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
