Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
