a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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