dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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