my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
