I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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