Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
