hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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