Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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