I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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