How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
