At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
