my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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