i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
