so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize