im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
