I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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